I Loved You The Most
by Idle Hands
Summary: Set during “Rose and Raven Rosenberg”. Though Sean says that he can never forgive Christian, it seems like on a subconscious level, he already has. Very very very mild slash. R


Title: I Loved You The Most

Author: ILuvBrian710

Category: Nip/Tuck

Rating: M

Summary: Set during the events of "Rose and Raven Rosenberg". Though Sean says that he can never forgive Christian, it seems like on a subconscious level, he already has. What compels him to preserve the connection with Christian even while he severs all ties with Julia? Reviews are greatly appreciated, and will tell me if I should continue this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own Nip/Tuck (but oh how I wish I did!) and I am not making any money from this story. Please don't sue! ;-)

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The door closed behind the departing hooker, but Sean and Christian continued to lie silently, facing opposite walls and doing their best to ignore the other's presence. Hours passed and Christian was just drifting off to sleep when a small sound jerked him completely away. In the absolute silence of the tiny dorm room, one could almost hear a pin drop and the sound that had woken him was considerably louder than a falling pin. Christian stayed completely still, listening quietly. There it was again! It almost sounded like someone was trying to stifle a sob. Christian was stunned. Was Sean crying? True, he hadn't been his chipper self since the revelation of Matt's true parentage, but actual tears? Sean was such a repressed person that the thought of something breaking through his shell and actually bringing him to tears ripped at Christian's heart like no amount of angry words ever could. The sound came again. This time a bit louder and a bit deeper, as if Sean's hold on his emotions was slipping even further. Christian felt like someone had driven a red-hot poker deep into his gut. He had never imagined that sleeping with Julia just once, and seventeen years ago to boot, would have such awful repercussions almost two decades later. He had to do something to make things better. Though Sean refused to admit it, they were good together. No, they were great! McNamara/Troy was the best of both of them, and while Christian didn't doubt that they would both succeed even if Sean walked away, unlike Sean, he was honest enough to admit that neither of them would ever be completely whole again. 

Christian's reverie was broken by a sigh and a sniffle. It seemed like the waterworks were almost at an end, so Christian knew that he had to act fast, before Sean finished rebuilding his emotional barriers and Christian was left standing outside in the cold yet again, but what could he do? Before he could begin to second-guess himself, Christian climbed out of his standard college issue extra-long twin bed, and climbed in behind Sean in his.

Feeling the mattress dip, Sean whipped around. He stared in stunned silence, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that his soon to be ex-partner and ex-friend was lying next to him in the tiny bed, staring at him silently, as if to say "I made the first move, now it's your turn".

They lay like that for long minutes, while Sean wrestled with himself. On the one hand, he desperately wanted to yell and curse and hit Christian, to try make him feel the same level of pain and betrayal that Sean had felt when he found out that his wife and best friend had cheated on him, and that the consequence of their infidelity was the beautiful boy that he loved as his own. On the other hand, Sean was just so tired. He hated these awful emotional scenes that left everyone drained and hurting, but he just didn't know what else to do, how else to express the awful earth-shattering pain that kept his heart in a vice-like grip, never letting up, not even for a second. In the end, he decided to dispense with the histrionics and go straight to the heart of the matter.

"I loved you the most, you know," he said. "I loved you the most and you betrayed me. How am I supposed to get past that, Christian? Tell me how!"

When his verbal explosion was met with silence, Sean sighed heavily. What had he expected? An emotional declaration of love and apology? From Christian? Hah! He would have more luck wishing for the moon to fall out of the sky. Sure Christian could say the right words and do the right things, but when it came down to it, he was damaged. His adoptive father had broken something inside him, and there were times when Sean wondered if Christian felt any love at all, for anyone. It seemed to him that being Christian Troy was both lonely and oddly peaceful. Though a loveless existence sounded rather empty, it also insulated one from the major hurts that life tended to deal out at the most unfortunate moments. As the silence stretched on, Sean stopped expecting an answer. He also found himself letting go of the worst of his anger at Christian. Christian had occupied the biggest part of his heart for too long, and Sean feared that remaining angry would hurt him more than it could ever hurt Christian. The departure of the anger, however, left a void, an endless pain-filled river that threatened to overflow its borders whenever Sean contemplated the future, a future without Julia or Christian, and if he wasn't careful, without Matt as well. So he stopped thinking.

Turning slightly away from the tense expression on his former best friend's face and burrowing his head into the pillow, he repeated the same five words that he had said to Christian when he hunted him down at the office after Julia first told him the truth, "I loved you the most."

Terrified by the finality and past tense of that statement, Christian shook off the fear that had kept his tongue paralyzed during Sean's outburst, and propping himself up on one arm, used the other to tilt Sean's face until they were looking into each other's eyes. Vast pools of agony mirrored his own emotions, and Christian almost chickened out. What if he bared his soul and Sean still rejected him? Could he ever be whole without him? He knew he had to try, however. Even if Sean still walked away from him and their practice after this trip was over, at least he would know that he had done everything in his power to make him stay. That would be better than always wondering, wouldn't it?

"I **still** love you the most," he whispered. Then, as if of it's own volition, his head tilted down until his lips touched Sean's. What started out as a platonic kiss between men as close as brothers instantly ignited. Sean's hands came up to wrap around Christian's neck, bringing him closer, and Christian's fingers tangled in Sean's hair. Mouths fused, blurring the line that separated where one man ended and the other began, fanning the flames that threatened to burn them both to a cinder. Suddenly, as if realizing what they were doing, Sean and Christian pulled apart. Neither was sure who made the first move to break the contact, but both knew that to start something now would take their relationship to a frightening and unfamiliar lever, a level that neither man was ready for. Things were too messy as it was, and quite frankly, neither was prepared to face the depth of his emotions for the other. Still propped up above Sean, Christian blew out a small breath. He ducked his head down and quickly brushed his lips over Sean's the way he had originally intended, accompanying the friendly gesture with a ghost of a smile. Then he pulled away, and went back to his own lonely bed.

Sean stared at the ceiling for a bit, before giving in to the exhaustion pulling at him like a lead weight, and allowing his eyes to close. Like they had earlier that night, the men turned onto their sides facing away from each other. Each had their own demons to battle, and neither expected to get much sleep that night, but sooner than they expected, Sean and Christian both sank into a troubled slumber, haunted by memories of things that were and dreams of things that could never be.


End file.
